Sunday 1^st November - The usual weekend of murderous chaos all over those parts of the globe where the US and her equally homicidal lackeys hold sway. Families are blown to bloody rags in Afghanistan, Iraq, Palestine and Pakistan in the name of ‘collateral damage’ while the usual crop of young men make their return under their national flags thus generating a spurious media concern for them which would be non-existent if they’d followed their only other career choice and gone on the dole.

              The Sunday Mail, however, knows what the real issue of the day is and runs yet another front page story about Glasgow Rangers new found poverty. The Sunday Mail’s view is if you’re not interested in the financial crisis at Ibrox you damned well ought to be. 

Monday 2^nd November - Ruminant headlines compete as a man dressed as a sheep is on fire on the Edinburgh –Aberdeen train and Prince Andrew is skipping off to sheep filled New Zealand to represent the Royal Scroungers at a series of bun fights in the Antipodes. The story behind the story also has a ruminant theme as allegations hint that Handy Andy has been sent off to widen the Royal gene pool by cross-breeding with some of NZ’s famous Romney sheep, the last bout of blue-blooded interbreeding down Home Counties way having produced a seven foot tall Corgi with a club foot and no chin.

Tuesday 3^rd November -    The postal strike looks set to continue for the moment with the media perceptively telling  us that “both sides are blaming the other” which is the hacks’ way of telling us that the Royal Mail management are behaving like the strike breaking owners of a US steel mill in the 1920s. They haven’t actually got around to hiring armed thugs to open fire on the pickets yet but presumably if they do then the media will tell us once again that ‘both sides are blaming the other’  - a bit like their reporting of the massacre in Gaza as a fair fight between two equally matched and equally violent sides. I’m sure the spawny gits would have come up with the same phrase at My Lai.

Wednesday 4^th November – Five British troops are killed at a roadblock in Afghanistan by a member of the Afghani police and the Mail seems to be particularly incensed by their being shot while drinking tea. Brooner makes the usual heroic stiff upper lip noises from the safety of No. 10 and everyone and his media dog expresses their outrage but miss the point that this is a crucial nail in the occupiers’ coffin as it means the ever fragile trust between them and the Afghan security forces will go rocketing down the plughole PDQ.  Yes, we’re really winning these people’s hearts and minds.

            While this going on the BBC website states that the most read story is that a giant Katie Price cut-out is to be put on a bonfire and burned thereby convincing your reporter that he is living in a country largely populated by drooling dingbats.

Thursday 5^th November – ‘Glowing Tributes to Dead Soldiers’ says the BBC headline. Headlines saying ‘Glowing Tribute to Iraq/Afghani Family Wiped Out While Having Their Tea by The Usual Cowboy US Airstrike’ never seem to make it on to our front pages somehow. Presumably, them having brown skins and living somewhere contrary to the Seven Sisters oil interests means that it’s somehow their all own fault. The most read story of today is of a Brazilian man who turns up for his own funeral - I sure hope nobody’s  told the Metropolitan Police – the Met don’t have a great record with Brazilians being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Friday 6^th November -  A US Army major opens fire on a military graduation killing 13 people and wounding 30 at Fort Hood in Texas – predictably only the Daily Mail precedes the word ‘major’ with the word ‘Muslim’. Back in May, Army Sgt. John Russell, stationed in Iraq, shot and killed five fellow soldiers. Strangely enough, the Mail didn’t run a ‘Baptist Sergeant Guns Down 5 Comrades’ headline. Maybe the Mail doesn’t do their ‘Hurrah For The Blackshirts’ headlines any more but, you know, I kind of think they’d like to sometimes.

      All in all, however, it hasn’t been a great week for economic conscripts trying to escape from multiple social deprivation or their families. The usual coterie of Shepherd’s Bush armchair hero military experts advising us to ‘stand firm’ are safe enough though. To paraphrase old Clemenceau, “Military experts beat their drums with the bones of the dead”

Saturday 7^th November – Eight Afghans working with the US forces are killed in (another) misplaced NATO airstrike. Nobody is too bothered – certainly not enough to manage the odd eulogy or two in the media. What the hell, they’re only Afghanis in their own country. Who gives a monkeys? Certainly not the British Press as ….

Sunday 8^th November - contains the usual tat. The Sunday Mail alleges Darren Jackson is ‘dating’ a Celtic director’s wife, the News of the Screws predictably generates some hysteria over a paedophile, and the Mail on Sunday departs from its familiar high pitched shriek of ‘Oh my God, the entire world’s going to the dogs ‘to tell us that two people haven’t claimed £45 million on the Euro Lottery.  Woodward & Bernstein obviously haven’t relocated to the UK recently.

Monday 9^th November – The spurious concern (See Nov 1^st) of the media over dead soldiers goes into overdrive as a letter of condolence for a dead soldier gets his name wrong. The media, particularly the Sun, with its track record of lies, half-truth, evasions, innuendo and outright invention are an extremely hypocritical pot calling the kettle black. Having said that, it’s a pretty dismal show when the rampant inequality in your society forces you into the army and the official facilitators for the system that encourages that inequality can’t bother their chuffs to check a letter.

     News that we’re going to have nuclear power stations foisted on us is a major blow to all hands except the lobbyists who’ve bought the politicians concerned. Oh well, check out those inexplicable ‘leukaemia clusters’ in the population round the sites over the next few years.

Tuesday 10^th November – ‘Barclays Profits Fall by a Fifth’ wails the BBC News website despairingly. Later on it appears that Barclays have made £4.542 billion in profit over the first 9 months of the year so their directors won’t be selling the Big Issue outside Primark just yet. And where does this derisory £4.542 billion profit come from? Yep, that’s right. Customers.  You, me and the Cat in the Hat. Johnny Fat Cat makes a profit and he goes off sneering and smiling. Johnny screws up big style and he goes screaming off to the despised nanny state to kiss it better and like the twerps that we are we that’s exactly what we do.

Well, as it’s traditional to finish the news with something mindlessly cheerful after 30 minutes of assorted mayhem and disaster:

‘And now, the baby rhino that met a princess.......’